Day 3

So, let’s just say yesterday was …interesting. I forgot to clean the fish tank. (Poor feesh…) I ended up going over my calorie limit. Nutella and three slices of bread ended up in my belly during a delierious semi-sleepwalk. And, I spent a good part of the day staring off into space. Apparently, my mind and body don’t know what to do with themselves when I’m not shoving food in my face. Huh. Gotta do something about that.

The good thing, though, is I’m at least measuring things. Except for the nutella. I guestimated on that. I snuck some chex mix, but it was one 1/2 cup serving. So, I’m learning! That’s got to count for something. 😀

For exercise, I did my five minutes on the Gazelle. It was gruelling. I had to stop several times to let my legs rest for a few seconds before I could go on. When I stepped off the machine, I nearly fell on my butt. However, I kinda expected this, so I’m not worried. I just hope things even out soon.

But, man. When does your body quit screaming that you’re starving it? All freaking day, I craved a hot pocket so bad that I got lost in space a few times drooling at the thought of biting into one. It got so bad, that I contemplated skipping two shakes just to have one hot pocket and not go too much over my calorie limit. I don’t remember this diet being this hard back in 2011. Then again, I can’t remember doctors’ appointments the next day after they call me to verify I’m coming in. And, I doubt stomachs care about your memory… or lack thereof.

Pardon my sleep deprived word vomit.

Since I’m trying to change my life for the better, one of my gripes is getting up between 2-5pm every day, and not going to bed until daylight. So, I am resetting my sleep schedule today, and hopefully going to get that back on track. If I can get myself to where I can go to bed at midnight (or earlier) every day, then maybe I can do other things, too.

And then there’s the feeling that maybe I’m trying to do too much too fast. I’m not sure whether that’s sleep deprivation talking, or common sense. But, I’m already up. Might as well stick it out for another five hours. I have a feeling today’s calorie intake will either be really low, or really high. On sleep schedule resets, I either gorge or starve without realizing I’m doing either. Just gotta be super conscious about it.

Planning for the Future

I’m already starting to get worried about what I’m going to do after I get off this CIB liquid diet. I need to be able to feed myself healthy meals every day for 31 days every month… for under $100 a month. I could do it with unhealthy foods, because of cheap pizzas, cheap TV dinners, etc. Since moving to where I live now, I have no stove, and for almost a year, I lived out of a microwave. I now have a crock pot, hot plate, and toaster oven thanks to my lovely parents. So, now, I need to learn how to cook again. And, I kinda need to learn how to cook healthy for the first time, ever.

I have a few recipes that I’ve accumulated and created over the last few years. Check it out here: The Bachelors Cookbook. I wrote that for a friend of mine for her boyfriend. His mother and grandmother did all his cooking until he left, and never taught him how to use a stove. My friend taught him the hard part: how to use the stove. So, I sent him a bunch of my favorite recipes from my experimentation, friends, and old family recipes. I know half of them are far from healthy, but… it’s a start. Some of them, I can probably make healthy by changing a few things. Any help in that department would be awesome!

To start planning, I need to figure out my shopping habits. First thing that comes to mind, is when I go grocery shopping, I immediately run straight for Walmart, and ignore the shit out of Aldi’s. Why? Walmart feels safe. It’s familiar. Aldi’s is alien, and I have anxiety disorders. I always tend to gravitate toward that which feels safe and familiar, no matter how well managed my disorders are.

I don’t look at prices. I’ve been shopping for the same things every month for over a year now, with very little variation. I’ve gotten into the habit that I fill my basket, and get to the checkout counter, and if it goes over what I have, I ask them to put things back. And, thinking back on it, I usually have them put back stuff I really should be keeping, and keeping the stuff I should really have them put back.

So, going forward, I will be taking pen and paper with me, a calculator (on my phone!), and going to Aldi’s first. Sounds like a good plan to me. I want to start going to Zacherel’s Produce Market (local farm owned and operated, grown near the Market Stand), but I need to see if I can budget in the necessary gas (it’s about 15 miles away from me, I think) to get there, to see if it’s worth it.

Impantience to In-Patient

I keep feeling like I’m not doing enough. Like, I should be doing more exercise, even though the Gazelle still tries to kill me during a five minute workout. I should be incorporating Yoga already. I should be doing more with my time than waiting for the next CIB shake, because I’m starving. The only thing stopping me, is the fact that I’m already starving, and terrified that if I add Yoga this early, I’ll start cheating on my diet more than I already have. I’m also so scared that I’ll burn myself out like I have done all those times I started fitness programs in the past, and give up again, despite my best intentions. Those times, I put too much stress on myself, didn’t have enough variety, and pushed for too much, too soon. And, quite frankly, I got bored. I need to find a way to make it fun, or at least interesting. Or, something. I’m not even sure. I just know that I don’t want to end up in the hospital, and I don’t want to end up giving up like all the other times.

Healthy foods that won’t make me gag?

So, yeah. I have a sensory issue with some food. For instance, I can’t eat sushi. Not because of the flavor, but because of the textures. I can’t eat tapioca pudding. I can’t drink my CIB unless it’s in 2 cups of milk, instead of one, because it feels grainy.

Then, there’s my finicky palate. I have issues eating raw vegetables without dousing them liberally in ranch dressing. The same goes for salads. I don’t like the taste of raw vegetables, lettuce, or practically anything healthy without copious amounts of dressing, gravy, ketchup, you get the idea. Chicken? It needs barbeque sauce or ketchup. Steak? Ketchup or A1 sauce. Pork loin? Ketchup. Turkey? Ketchup or gravy. Meatloaf? Ketchup or pasta sauce. I just don’t like the taste, and need something to mask it that tastes better.

I guess, my question for you, is this: How do I go about training myself to like things I’ve hated since childhood, so I can eat them without gagging, and hopefully learn to enjoy them?

Also… really. When does your body stop screaming that you’re starving it? Mine thinks we’re dying.