Day 12

I went back on my CIB diet today temporarily. Mainly because I got lazy, and I had an eye appointment today that kept me out of the house most of the day. When I got home, I was so drained, and my eyes felt weird from being dilated, that I just gave up and went for the easy and mess-free way of eating.

I did, however, get my fruit packaged up and put away for now. I’ll be taking bluesparklez0 advice and portioning out some of my fruits for smoothies. I have… tons of fruit. I also plan on cutting up my apples and things and making snack packs. Basically, just individual servings, already cut up so my lazy ass can just go to the fridge, grab a snack and go back to my comfy chair for noms. I have a ton of ziplock baggies, so I plan on doing this for everything, from my raisins and sunflower seeds, to my fruits and veggies.

Either today or tomorrow, I’m making crockpot chicken stew. Instead of cornstarch or cream, I plan on boiling some of that yummy cauliflower and pureeing it to add to the chicken broth. Add some carrots, celery, an onion, chicken breast, and guh, I wish I had leeks. I may wait until tomorrow so I can nab some leeks. That would make the stew so much nom. Or, I can just add cabbage. That would work since I have no money.

Alright, so, dinner for tomorrow is planned. Tonight, I’m having either tilapia fillet and some kind of salad, or I’ll have chicken breast… and some kind of salad. Any suggestions for the salad are welcome!

I need recipes!

I’ve been looking all over the internet for recipes that I can make with my kale. So far, I found kale chips and salad. I thought it was more versatile than that. So, I may end up putting some in my smoothies to boost vitamin intake. Though, with the Whole30 diet, I’m supposed to cut all dairy except butter. I usually make my smoothies with plain yogurt. Will have to research this to figure out what to use instead. Then again, I had CIB today, which includes 2 cups of 0% milk per serving… So, I guess I can include yogurt in my diet, and just limit my smoothies.

Who knew diets took so much research? I feel like I’m back in school again!

Pain Management

One thing I need to do is call my doctor and make an appointment for my joints. Both my shoulders keep randomly dislocating. So do my knees. My left hip constantly aches, especially after my workouts. If I’m going to keep working out, I need to deal with the pain in some other way than just taking Aleve every day. I’m not the kind who likes popping pills for anything. I hate it. So bad.

That will get done tomorrow, as well as a few other errands. Today, I’m popping Aleve and hoping my hip stops screaming enough to get on my Gazelle. I can’t lose weight if I’m not active, but it’s so hard to be active when you’re in pain. But, that’s enough about that. Time for a rant.

Eye Exam Rant

Do you know how hard it is to find an eye doctor when you’re on Medicaid? Let me tell you… Three months. It took me three months to find an optometrist who would take my insurance. No place in my city would, so I had to drive two cities over in order to get my eye exam.

Then, I found out that my health insurance only covers the cost of the exam itself. It doesn’t cover the cost of eye glasses or contacts unless you have aphakia… which I do not have. I’ve scoured the internet, and I found For my eye glasses, it will be around $60. More affordable than the $400 I was quoted at my eye doctor’s showroom, but still. I’m on SSI. Right now, I’m in the position where I can either buy groceries, or I can buy my glasses, but have to cut out half my grocery bill next month. $50 for groceries (plus $71 from food stamps) doesn’t buy much, certainly not enough for an entire month when you’re on a new diet and still learning how to shop for it.

I just want to see. It’s hard to concentrate when you have to have all of your browsers and writing documents at 175% just so you can read and work.

No matter what, though, I’m getting my glasses. My eye health is worth a month of skimpy meals.

Out of Storage

Well, crap. So, between writing this and my eye exam rant, I went and started packaging up food… because I could, and because I wanted a snack. I had fifteen storage bowls.

I’m down to one.

Guess who needs to buy more storage bowls? I planned on making stew in my crock pot, and making a few other crock pot meals so I could freeze them and have noms every night without the fuss. Well, can’t really do that without stuff to store the soups, stews and other fun stuff in.

What does this mean? This means I have to make some money quick, and I’m trying to wring ideas out of my gray matter. It isn’t working too well. I currently have 66 cents to my name, and storage bowls are expensive as hell. I may see if I can squeeze some money out of my parents and take a gander at the Dollar General for some storage deals.

*Flails* Why, money? Why? Ah well, we shall see what tomorrow brings!

Day 11 and My Grocery List

Went grocery shopping today. I wiped out my bank account, but I have enough to last me the month (I hope). Here’s what I bought, Fruit first, Pantry, then Meats:

Grocery List
Food Price Store
Gala Apples $   2.99 Aldi
McKintosh Apples $   2.99 Aldi
Blackberries (4) $   3.96 Aldi
Cherries $   3.49 Aldi
Raspberries (2) $   3.98 Aldi
Lemons $   1.49 Aldi
Grapes (2) $   4.98 Aldi
Kiwi (2) $   1.38 Aldi
Strawberries (4) $   5.96 Aldi
Carrots $   1.29 Aldi
Pickles $   2.29 Aldi
Multi-Color Peppers $   2.99 Aldi
Green Peppers $   1.49 Aldi
Onions $   1.09 Aldi
Celery $   1.29 Aldi
Green Onions $   0.99 Aldi
Broccoli $   1.49 Aldi
Cauliflower $   2.49 Aldi
Kale (2) $   3.78 Aldi
Cabbage $   1.19 Aldi
Iceberg Lettuce $   1.29 Aldi
Slivered Almonds (2) $   5.98 Aldi
Sunflower Kernels $   1.99 Aldi
Onion Soup Mix $   0.79 Aldi
Butter (2) $   4.78 Aldi
Canned Mushrooms (4) $   2.36 Aldi
Milk (2 gal) $   6.74 Aldi
Mashed Potatoes (2) $   1.58 Aldi
X Virgin Olive Oil $   3.29 Aldi
Pure Olive Oil $   2.99 Aldi
Organic Coconut Oil $   4.99 Aldi
Stevia Sweetener $   1.99 Aldi
Raisins Canister $   2.89 Aldi
Beef Broth (4) $   5.56 Aldi
Chicken Broth (4) $   5.56 Aldi
Chili w/o Beans $   1.29 Aldi
Chicken Tenderloins $   6.79 Aldi
Chicken Breast $   6.69 Aldi
Canned Chicken Breast (4) $   6.76 Aldi
Boneless Ham $   8.48 Aldi
Encrusted Tilapia $   5.29 Aldi
Bob Evans Pork Sausage (2) $   6.78 Aldi
TOTAL $146.46

Things I still need to get, probably from Wal-Mart:

Eggs, Green Tea, Steak, Deli Meats and Cheeses, Baby Spinach Leaves, Garlic, Apple Cider Vinegar, Cat Litter, Dryer Sheets.

So sorry for not posting the last few days. The Special Olympics really took everything out of me. At least, I think that’s why I spent most of the weekend asleep. I couldn’t stay up more than an hour or two at a time, and I’m still fighting fatigue. I’m hoping this diet perks me back up. I bought so many yummy things!

I did weigh myself Saturday, and according to my scale, I am about 5 pounds lighter than when I started, so YAY!


Because I spent most of my time in bed since Thursday, I’ve done absolutely no exercise, and I’m sad about that fact. I also haven’t been eating much or doing much of anything. If this keeps up, I’ll be heading to my doctor this week to see what’s up. Until then, I’ve gone back on my vitamins to help with the deficiencies of not eating, drinking water until I float, and I’m about to get on my Gazelle and plow through 5 minutes of exercise.

Then, since I’m up, I’m going to go try and get this fruit and stuff packed up properly in my fridge so it lasts more than a few days. I’m hoping everything I bought lasts the whole month, but we shall see.

If anyone has any bright ideas on what to do with all this stuff, I am all ears. Until then, I need to get my butt on that Gazelle and get food sorted before I pass out again.

Day 5

Well, today was a success and a failure. But, I’m not focusing too much on the failure. I got a lot done today, and I’m quite proud of myself. Unfortunately, most of that “lot” that got done, was reading my beta-reader pile and getting back with authors who are depending on me to help them with feedback. Not a waste of time, but didn’t allow me to focus as much time on my diet plan as I would have liked, and I ended up skipping a few meals in the process.

I traded gold for crap. It’s rare that I come across a story that I hate. But, this wasn’t even a story. It was a string of daily journal entries, which for a blog would be fine. For fiction, it was tedious, boring, inane, and soul crushing. I just hope I didn’t crush the poor author, and hope like hell I gave her advice good enough to salvage some of the neat things that I found in the trash. I don’t like crushing dreams, but I do like digging for gold.

The Great Outdoors

So, enough with my decaying brain matter. I had to go outside today. As someone with social anxiety, this is always a chore. I had to practically throw myself out my front door and race to my van, otherwise I would have gone right back inside, got in my jammies, and sat right back in front of my computer where I feel safest.

I went to the post office. Success. Paid my rent. Success. Then, I parked on a street leading to my street, and walked to the smoke shop. Traffic was so horrid due to road work, that if I had driven the two hilly blocks, it would have taken me an hour to get out of the smoke shop’s drive so I could get home. Nope. Nope. Nope. So. I walked. Going downhill, I felt like I would faceplant at any moment. Going uphill, I felt like my legs were going to catch fire, and I would turn into the Burning Woman of Clarion. It was grueseome.

So, needless to say, that was my five minutes of Gazelle time in real world application, so I skipped the machine today. I may still go do my five minutes for shits and giggles before I go to bed, but as of right now… I still feel like death would make my poor muscles happy. 😛

I Really Need a Dietician

If I can’t find one I can afford, I’ll be doing it based on my own past medical history. I’m thinking of doing the Whole30 diet. It’s basically a low carb, high fat, low/no dairy diet, which is good for me since my lactose intolerance decided to make my life smell miserable. It’s low carbs because of no pasta, breads, starches or added sugars (mainly added sugars), and high fat, because low-fat options take out taste by removing fat, and supplement taste by adding sugars and, even worse, sugar substitutes.

Best thing? The Whole30 has shopping lists already made for you, that you can add to, subtract from, whatever you want to do to it to make it work for you.

Even better? I don’t see anything on the site that I have to buy from them. They give me all the information I need to make my own informed choices. It gives me advice for how to structure my meals, what to eat pre-workout, post-workout, and the best things to snack on.

SNACKS! Did I ever mention how much I love snacks. A diet that tells me I am allowed to have snacks sounds too good to be true. But, I’ve been reading, and from everything I read the past few days off WebMD and other sources for healthy diet and nutrition, the Whole30 diet is the same thing, only Whole30 encourages you to eat whole fat foods, rather than going after low-fat, fat-free/nonfat alternatives. Not sure how I feel about this approach, but I have three friends who have lost weight with this system. One of whom lost 6 dress sizes, and is still on the diet because it keeps her satisfied. Even on the days of her hardest workouts.

So, I’m really paying attention to this. If I decide to give it a try, I’ll keep you posted.

Men smiled at me…

I’m not sure if it’s my confidence boost, or I’m just noticing it, or what, but when I was out, every man I passed smiled at me. I feel vaguely uncomfortable by this, but I think that has to do with the fact that I actually made eye contact with everyone I passed today. I don’t make eye contact unless I have to. What the hell changed that it happened the entire two hours I was out and about today?

The women? The women I passed kinda scowled. o.O Not sure what that was all about, but you know what? The ladies in the post office were awesome, so they balance out the scowly hens. 😀

Also… why is it that men can smile at everyone, but if you pass by a woman on the street, nine times out of ten, they will either pretend you don’t exist, or scowl at you? Are women afraid of each other? Put off by one another? Maybe I offended them by wearing a black jacket and black jeans with my girly pink blouse, socks and blue and pink shoes. But, whatever it was, I kinda wanted to hide in the post office by the time I made it to the front doors…

Eyeglasses, or food…?

I’ve got an eye appointment, the first in over four years, on the 12th. I finally found an eye doctor who takes my insurance. It’s 30 minutes away, but it’s worth it for my eyeballs. Now? Found out that my insurance covers eye exams, but not lenses or frames unless you have aphakia. Why? I dunno. It’s ridiculous. It’s like, “We want you to get your exam, but we don’t care if you need to do anything about the results. Good luck!”

So, now I’m down to the fact that I am on a tight budget. I bring in $881/mo from disability. By the time I finish paying bills, I have about $77 left over. Then, I have to buy gas. I get around $40 in gas every other month. So, that brings us down to $37 on the gas-needing months. And, on the months I don’t need gas, that $40 usually goes toward extra food.

Now, let me put this into tighter perspective. I get $71 in SNAP benefits. Plus $37, is $108. When I’m on my normal diet, the unhealthy diet, I can make this stretch for groceries. Though, lately, I’ve had to get help from friends and family.

I’m not even sure how I’m going to get healthy food on $108. What am I supposed to do about my eyesight? I kind of rely on it for a source of income, or I will when I start publishing the things I’m writing now. Scary stuff. Not as daunted as I should be, because I know I can get good glasses from for $50 including shipping and stuff. However, it may take me a while to get up that $50. Here’s hoping.

Smoking is bad, mm’kay?

My e-cigarette ran out of nicotine juice around 5am. I was still blazing my way through a story, and the smoke shop doesn’t open until 9am. Instead of forcing myself to go to bed at 5am like any other normal being would, I drove myself to the gas station and bought a pack of real cigarettes.

I then proceeded to come home and smoke them like they were my ecig. Let me tell you how bad I feel right now. Not, “I did a bad…” bad. The, “I got hit by a truck, and it infused me with its exhaust” bad. I have no energy. My eyes are super dry. My throat hurts. I can’t taste anything. I can’t get rid of this incessant headache. I keep losing focus. And, what’s worse, is when I got back from getting new e-liquid from the smoke shop, it tastes nothing like what I sampled at the shop, and I keep having the urge to go buy another pack of the real stuff.

I should get my shipment of my regular stuff sometime tomorrow or the day after. Pray for me. …Or rather, pray I don’t rip anyone’s head off. ❤

Hopefully tomorrow brings good news. I’ll see you then!


Day 4

Good news! I figured out why my stomach kept screaming at me yesterday! Apparently, there are studies everywhere that say artificial sweeteners increase hunger. So, I gave up Diet Pepsi today and went to tap water flavored with Dasani Drops (current drops are strawberry-kiwi flavored!) So far today, my hunger has been manageable, and my urge to go after the nutella jar has been greatly diminished.

On another note, the Hot Pockets in my freezer are really insistent. Not in the “You must gorge on me!” way, but in the nagging “I know you’re out there…” way. The creepy way. So, since I only have eight left, I decided that now that I have my hunger under control with giving up the Diet Pepsi, I could replace two Carnation Instant Breakfast (CIB) shakes with one Hot Pocket a day. I’ll still be around my target calorie intake, and I will slowly get rid of temptation.

The Nutella? I may just have to give that away, or put it somewhere out of sight and hope I forget about it. I know I should give that away, but I planned on using that once a week as my weekly treat. Still, though. It needs to shut up and leave me alone the rest of the time!

Fitness is Slow and Painful

So, let me tell you how much my legs and back hurt yesterday. It was not a pleasant thing. Not at all. Needless to say, I took a day off from the Gazelle. Not a permanent thing, but I would rather be safe than sorry. Especially since just throwing my back out and spending last week on muscle relaxers and Aleve. If I need to take today off (I’m still super sore), I’ll give my hand weights a try and have an arm day. Wish I would have thought of that yesterday, but I was full-derp from resetting my sleep schedule. The sleep schedule reset failed, by the way…

May definitely need a new source of liquid diet

Let me tell you about milk farts. They are not pleasant. Apparently, I am lactose intolerant. More so than I previously thought. And, even 0% milk is giving me gas pain and messing with my stool. Cheese doesn’t usually bother me (that I notice), but being on a liquid diet that consists of 6 packets of No Sugar Added Carnation Instant Breakfast powder and 12 cups of milk a day is making me miserable. And, I don’t know what to do. I hate all of the milk alternatives out there like Lactaid and almond milk. Even if I didn’t hate it, almond and rice milks are too expensive. My grocery bill needs to come in under $150 a month, and that is including EBT from SNAP Benefits.

I’m considering pushing through, but I need to find some alternatives if that isn’t possible. I may revert back to a solid food diet, and figure out some healthy things to make in the crock pot until I can figure things out. I really need to browse online for some good, healthy recipes.

Interesting Discoveries

Browsing the internet for diet help, I came across several WebMD articles that helped me to figure out what I had been doing wrong, and how to get back on track. Now, I don’t really know how well they will work, based on my past history, but it’s worth trying a few of the things out.

For starters, I found out that my six meal a day thing is a good habit to retain, so long as the meals are small and low in calories, and consist of healthy food. I learned portion size (ugh), how to curb my emotional eating, some tips on what foods to eat to help shed the weight, and some tips on how to not hate my vegetables. This article gave me a good guide on how to incorporate all the rest of what I learned without resorting to fad dieting methods I tried to incorporate many times over the course of my life. And then there is this article that focuses on how to lose weight when you’re obese. Since my ultimate goal is to get down to 150 pounds, I found the last article really helpful. Losing 100 pounds in a year would be awesome, but I will be happy with 50 for now. The other 50 would be a huge bonus.

Work In Progress

I don’t count my “cheating” as a diet failure. I’m a work in progress, and from my cheating I figured out some important things. I feel more satisfied if I can chew something. And since gum makes me nauseous, and because my CIB is so full of lactose that screws with my digestive tract, I may need to go on a solid food diet, and just change the solid foods that I have in my house. It helped me to go, in desperation, to the internet for advice and tips, and I found awesome things. It also helped me to figure out what my snacking triggers are.

So, hopefully, going forward, I will be more prepared for the setbacks, and can formulate a good and healthy grocery list for this month. It also prepared me for my son’s Special Olympics on the 7th of this month. There are so few healthy options at the food stands, and the only thing healthy I remember from last year was water. So, time to pack myself a cooler of things I won’t mind giving up a Walking Taco for!

Wish me luck, and I will be back tomorrow! Thanks for reading.

Day 3

So, let’s just say yesterday was …interesting. I forgot to clean the fish tank. (Poor feesh…) I ended up going over my calorie limit. Nutella and three slices of bread ended up in my belly during a delierious semi-sleepwalk. And, I spent a good part of the day staring off into space. Apparently, my mind and body don’t know what to do with themselves when I’m not shoving food in my face. Huh. Gotta do something about that.

The good thing, though, is I’m at least measuring things. Except for the nutella. I guestimated on that. I snuck some chex mix, but it was one 1/2 cup serving. So, I’m learning! That’s got to count for something. 😀

For exercise, I did my five minutes on the Gazelle. It was gruelling. I had to stop several times to let my legs rest for a few seconds before I could go on. When I stepped off the machine, I nearly fell on my butt. However, I kinda expected this, so I’m not worried. I just hope things even out soon.

But, man. When does your body quit screaming that you’re starving it? All freaking day, I craved a hot pocket so bad that I got lost in space a few times drooling at the thought of biting into one. It got so bad, that I contemplated skipping two shakes just to have one hot pocket and not go too much over my calorie limit. I don’t remember this diet being this hard back in 2011. Then again, I can’t remember doctors’ appointments the next day after they call me to verify I’m coming in. And, I doubt stomachs care about your memory… or lack thereof.

Pardon my sleep deprived word vomit.

Since I’m trying to change my life for the better, one of my gripes is getting up between 2-5pm every day, and not going to bed until daylight. So, I am resetting my sleep schedule today, and hopefully going to get that back on track. If I can get myself to where I can go to bed at midnight (or earlier) every day, then maybe I can do other things, too.

And then there’s the feeling that maybe I’m trying to do too much too fast. I’m not sure whether that’s sleep deprivation talking, or common sense. But, I’m already up. Might as well stick it out for another five hours. I have a feeling today’s calorie intake will either be really low, or really high. On sleep schedule resets, I either gorge or starve without realizing I’m doing either. Just gotta be super conscious about it.

Planning for the Future

I’m already starting to get worried about what I’m going to do after I get off this CIB liquid diet. I need to be able to feed myself healthy meals every day for 31 days every month… for under $100 a month. I could do it with unhealthy foods, because of cheap pizzas, cheap TV dinners, etc. Since moving to where I live now, I have no stove, and for almost a year, I lived out of a microwave. I now have a crock pot, hot plate, and toaster oven thanks to my lovely parents. So, now, I need to learn how to cook again. And, I kinda need to learn how to cook healthy for the first time, ever.

I have a few recipes that I’ve accumulated and created over the last few years. Check it out here: The Bachelors Cookbook. I wrote that for a friend of mine for her boyfriend. His mother and grandmother did all his cooking until he left, and never taught him how to use a stove. My friend taught him the hard part: how to use the stove. So, I sent him a bunch of my favorite recipes from my experimentation, friends, and old family recipes. I know half of them are far from healthy, but… it’s a start. Some of them, I can probably make healthy by changing a few things. Any help in that department would be awesome!

To start planning, I need to figure out my shopping habits. First thing that comes to mind, is when I go grocery shopping, I immediately run straight for Walmart, and ignore the shit out of Aldi’s. Why? Walmart feels safe. It’s familiar. Aldi’s is alien, and I have anxiety disorders. I always tend to gravitate toward that which feels safe and familiar, no matter how well managed my disorders are.

I don’t look at prices. I’ve been shopping for the same things every month for over a year now, with very little variation. I’ve gotten into the habit that I fill my basket, and get to the checkout counter, and if it goes over what I have, I ask them to put things back. And, thinking back on it, I usually have them put back stuff I really should be keeping, and keeping the stuff I should really have them put back.

So, going forward, I will be taking pen and paper with me, a calculator (on my phone!), and going to Aldi’s first. Sounds like a good plan to me. I want to start going to Zacherel’s Produce Market (local farm owned and operated, grown near the Market Stand), but I need to see if I can budget in the necessary gas (it’s about 15 miles away from me, I think) to get there, to see if it’s worth it.

Impantience to In-Patient

I keep feeling like I’m not doing enough. Like, I should be doing more exercise, even though the Gazelle still tries to kill me during a five minute workout. I should be incorporating Yoga already. I should be doing more with my time than waiting for the next CIB shake, because I’m starving. The only thing stopping me, is the fact that I’m already starving, and terrified that if I add Yoga this early, I’ll start cheating on my diet more than I already have. I’m also so scared that I’ll burn myself out like I have done all those times I started fitness programs in the past, and give up again, despite my best intentions. Those times, I put too much stress on myself, didn’t have enough variety, and pushed for too much, too soon. And, quite frankly, I got bored. I need to find a way to make it fun, or at least interesting. Or, something. I’m not even sure. I just know that I don’t want to end up in the hospital, and I don’t want to end up giving up like all the other times.

Healthy foods that won’t make me gag?

So, yeah. I have a sensory issue with some food. For instance, I can’t eat sushi. Not because of the flavor, but because of the textures. I can’t eat tapioca pudding. I can’t drink my CIB unless it’s in 2 cups of milk, instead of one, because it feels grainy.

Then, there’s my finicky palate. I have issues eating raw vegetables without dousing them liberally in ranch dressing. The same goes for salads. I don’t like the taste of raw vegetables, lettuce, or practically anything healthy without copious amounts of dressing, gravy, ketchup, you get the idea. Chicken? It needs barbeque sauce or ketchup. Steak? Ketchup or A1 sauce. Pork loin? Ketchup. Turkey? Ketchup or gravy. Meatloaf? Ketchup or pasta sauce. I just don’t like the taste, and need something to mask it that tastes better.

I guess, my question for you, is this: How do I go about training myself to like things I’ve hated since childhood, so I can eat them without gagging, and hopefully learn to enjoy them?

Also… really. When does your body stop screaming that you’re starving it? Mine thinks we’re dying.