Day 3

So, let’s just say yesterday was …interesting. I forgot to clean the fish tank. (Poor feesh…) I ended up going over my calorie limit. Nutella and three slices of bread ended up in my belly during a delierious semi-sleepwalk. And, I spent a good part of the day staring off into space. Apparently, my mind and body don’t know what to do with themselves when I’m not shoving food in my face. Huh. Gotta do something about that.

The good thing, though, is I’m at least measuring things. Except for the nutella. I guestimated on that. I snuck some chex mix, but it was one 1/2 cup serving. So, I’m learning! That’s got to count for something. ๐Ÿ˜€

For exercise, I did my five minutes on the Gazelle. It was gruelling. I had to stop several times to let my legs rest for a few seconds before I could go on. When I stepped off the machine, I nearly fell on my butt. However, I kinda expected this, so I’m not worried. I just hope things even out soon.

But, man. When does your body quit screaming that you’re starving it? All freaking day, I craved a hot pocket so bad that I got lost in space a few times drooling at the thought of biting into one. It got so bad, that I contemplated skipping two shakes just to have one hot pocket and not go too much over my calorie limit. I don’t remember this diet being this hard back in 2011. Then again, I can’t remember doctors’ appointments the next day after they call me to verify I’m coming in. And, I doubt stomachs care about your memory… or lack thereof.

Pardon my sleep deprived word vomit.

Since I’m trying to change my life for the better, one of my gripes is getting up between 2-5pm every day, and not going to bed until daylight. So, I am resetting my sleep schedule today, and hopefully going to get that back on track. If I can get myself to where I can go to bed at midnight (or earlier) every day, then maybe I can do other things, too.

And then there’s the feeling that maybe I’m trying to do too much too fast. I’m not sure whether that’s sleep deprivation talking, or common sense. But, I’m already up. Might as well stick it out for another five hours. I have a feeling today’s calorie intake will either be really low, or really high. On sleep schedule resets, I either gorge or starve without realizing I’m doing either. Just gotta be super conscious about it.

Planning for the Future

I’m already starting to get worried about what I’m going to do after I get off this CIB liquid diet. I need to be able to feed myself healthy meals every day for 31 days every month… for under $100 a month. I could do it with unhealthy foods, because of cheap pizzas, cheap TV dinners, etc. Since moving to where I live now, I have no stove, and for almost a year, I lived out of a microwave. I now have a crock pot, hot plate, and toaster oven thanks to my lovely parents. So, now, I need to learn how to cook again. And, I kinda need to learn how to cook healthy for the first time, ever.

I have a few recipes that I’ve accumulated and created over the last few years. Check it out here: The Bachelors Cookbook. I wrote that for a friend of mine for her boyfriend. His mother and grandmother did all his cooking until he left, and never taught him how to use a stove. My friend taught him the hard part: how to use the stove. So, I sent him a bunch of my favorite recipes from my experimentation, friends, and old family recipes. I know half of them are far from healthy, but… it’s a start. Some of them, I can probably make healthy by changing a few things. Any help in that department would be awesome!

To start planning, I need to figure out my shopping habits. First thing that comes to mind, is when I go grocery shopping, I immediately run straight for Walmart, and ignore the shit out of Aldi’s. Why? Walmart feels safe. It’s familiar. Aldi’s is alien, and I have anxiety disorders. I always tend to gravitate toward that which feels safe and familiar, no matter how well managed my disorders are.

I don’t look at prices. I’ve been shopping for the same things every month for over a year now, with very little variation. I’ve gotten into the habit that I fill my basket, and get to the checkout counter, and if it goes over what I have, I ask them to put things back. And, thinking back on it, I usually have them put back stuff I really should be keeping, and keeping the stuff I should really have them put back.

So, going forward, I will be taking pen and paper with me, a calculator (on my phone!), and going to Aldi’s first. Sounds like a good plan to me. I want to start going to Zacherel’s Produce Market (local farm owned and operated, grown near the Market Stand), but I need to see if I can budget in the necessary gas (it’s about 15 miles away from me, I think) to get there, to see if it’s worth it.

Impantience to In-Patient

I keep feeling like I’m not doing enough. Like, I should be doing more exercise, even though the Gazelle still tries to kill me during a five minute workout. I should be incorporating Yoga already. I should be doing more with my time than waiting for the next CIB shake, because I’m starving. The only thing stopping me, is the fact that I’m already starving, and terrified that if I add Yoga this early, I’ll start cheating on my diet more than I already have. I’m also so scared that I’ll burn myself out like I have done all those times I started fitness programs in the past, and give up again, despite my best intentions. Those times, I put too much stress on myself, didn’t have enough variety, and pushed for too much, too soon. And, quite frankly, I got bored. I need to find a way to make it fun, or at least interesting. Or, something. I’m not even sure. I just know that I don’t want to end up in the hospital, and I don’t want to end up giving up like all the other times.

Healthy foods that won’t make me gag?

So, yeah. I have a sensory issue with some food. For instance, I can’t eat sushi. Not because of the flavor, but because of the textures. I can’t eat tapioca pudding. I can’t drink my CIB unless it’s in 2 cups of milk, instead of one, because it feels grainy.

Then, there’s my finicky palate. I have issues eating raw vegetables without dousing them liberally in ranch dressing. The same goes for salads. I don’t like the taste of raw vegetables, lettuce, or practically anything healthy without copious amounts of dressing, gravy, ketchup, you get the idea. Chicken? It needs barbeque sauce or ketchup. Steak? Ketchup or A1 sauce. Pork loin? Ketchup. Turkey? Ketchup or gravy. Meatloaf? Ketchup or pasta sauce. I just don’t like the taste, and need something to mask it that tastes better.

I guess, my question for you, is this: How do I go about training myself to like things I’ve hated since childhood, so I can eat them without gagging, and hopefully learn to enjoy them?

Also… really. When does your body stop screaming that you’re starving it? Mine thinks we’re dying.

Day 2

Hoh, man. I used the Gazelle for six minutes yesterday, and my poor legs want to go find a new owner. I don’t know how I’m going to keep this up, but I will find a way. Seriously, though. It works everything. My abdomen feels weird. My arms feel like I lost a fight. Even my butt hurts. Nothing hurts enough to take an Aleve. At least… not the muscles. My hips are unhappy and sending pain shooting down to my knees. I’m pretty sure that’s just because my body is rebelling. It’s all, “Nooooo! We had a good thing going! You sit on your butt all day, and we get to be jiggly! It was awesome!”

No, body. Jiggly is not awesome. I don’t mind being a BBW, but I’d at least like to be a healthy BBW. This much jiggle, and this much weight, and this lack of strength and endurance is not healthy. QUIT IT.

Diet Goofs and Yays

I cheated yesterday. I had… several servings– I didn’t count since I ate out of the bag on habit– of traditional Chex Mix Snack Mix. I don’t mind snacking. Snacking is just something that is going to happen. I’ve already accepted this. Starting today, however, I will measure everything, put it into a bowl, and put the damned bag back into a cupboard so that it isn’t right next to my desk for me to mindlessly munch on and undo everything I’m trying to achieve. Then, I will input the calorie, fat and carb info into my handy-dandy spreadsheet that J.A. Marlow made for me. If you’re interested, you can find it here: Weight Tracker 2015.*

The very same cheating thing is trying to happen with the Nutella jar. I was good, though. I brought the Nutella jar in on impulse. Sat down. Groaned. Got my ass back up and took the jar, the bread, and my CIB glass back out to the kitchen, and got me a glass of CIB instead. Crisis averted! I want to save the Nutella as a weekly treat for myself. Two tablespoons is 200 Calories, 11g Fat, and 22g Carbs. So, once a week, two tablespoons of Nutella, two slices of toast, and that is my treat! WORTH IT!

Next Project: Sleep Pattern

You see, I have a problem. That problem, is that I am a writer, and I have gotten into the habit of letting my mind run with a story until I’m either physically unable to stay awake anymore, or until the story dries up for the day. Now, even when I’m not writing, I find myself finding things to keep me awake when I’m “too bored to go to bed”. …Isn’t that the silliest expression you’ve ever heard? Too bored to go to bed? How is that possible? I don’t know why, but if I get bored at bedtime, I can’t seem to make myself go to bed.

New rule: If I ever say, or even insinuate, that I am bored, I will go do an extra minute on the Gazelle. I also figured out something while writing this. I’m not even really bored when I’m close to needing sleep. I feel guilty for going to sleep when I feel I haven’t accomplished anything. Well, let’s see if I can change that!

So, boredom equals a minute on the Gazelle to rid me of the boredom. The next phase, is to set a bedtime. This may take some work, because my sleep schedule is pretty borked. I normally end up in bed around 6am-8am on normal days, and wake up around 5pm. The only usual variations, are the days I have doctors’ appointments, or the rare days I’m in full blown manic episode.

I’m not going for anything unrealistic. I do my best writing in the dark hours (don’t ask me why, I don’t know), so I think I will set my bedtime at 11pm or midnight. I do tend to notice that when I’m on “Normal People Hours”, I need less sleep, feel more rested, and am generally in a better mood. I get stressed less easily, I get more accomplished, and I don’t stress about how to fit all my errands into an hour before everything in this town closes. So, this is for the best, and I need to get to that point, and stick with it once I do. Sticking with it is always the hardest part.

Today’s Non-Fitness Goal: The Fish Tank

Good Lord that fish tank is nasty. It hasn’t been properly disassembled and cleaned since… guh, I think it’s been almost a year. *Hangs head in shame* My poor feesh. But, algae is nasty. And, that, my friends, is why I should not own fish…

 

* If you like the spreadsheet, it would be awesome if you thanked J.A. Marlow by helping out her GoFundMe campaign. Her mother is suffering from a GBM brain tumor, and stuff is expensive.

The Beginning

It’s a shame that I’m too embarrassed to post a photo of myself on the internet. A year ago, I was around 200 pounds. I weighed myself today, and I am now 245 pounds. At 36 years old, I have arthritis in both knees, both hips, and both shoulders. Both knees and shoulders randomly dislocate for no reason. The other day, I had to go to the Emergency Room. I shuffled in, unable to lift my right leg without sending myself to the floor. My body was bent at a 45ยบ angle toward the floor, and I had to have help signing in.

It took only a few moments for the ER personnel to put me in the weirdest pretzel position I’ve ever thought possible and snap my back into place. I somehow misaligned my lumbo-sacral disks, and I did it by trying on a pair of underwear. No, I did not have any problems. No, I was not trying to be sexy. I simply bent over, pulled them up, and twisted to tuck in the tag. Then, I hit the floor.

I’m too young to throw out my back while putting on clothes. I am too young to be this close to diabetes because of obesity. I am too young to waste my life worrying about health problems, when I should be writing and enjoying friends.

I am too young to die. But, that is where I am headed if I don’t change.

Twice the Girl

I get short of breath walking from the entry of Walmart to the electronics section. That isn’t acceptable for a 36 year old woman, who is supposed to be in her prime. Call it a mid-life crisis, or a eureka moment, but last night, I found a photograph of myself from a year ago. It surprised me, and I pulled up another photo I took yesterday. I was so shocked that I edited yesterday’s photo to see the difference based on the size now, versus the size I was a year ago.

I am literally twice the size today. In a single year, I packed on another human, and I am carrying her around everywhere I go. It’s time to get rid of her.

That eureka moment hit me so hard, that I couldn’t sit still. Today, I am unfolding my Gazelle. I took my hand weights out of their box. I dusted off my workout videos that I used to enjoy. Today, I start a new lifestyle. Today, things change. Today, I start on my path to reshaping my life, my body, and my health.

My Diet

Almost everyone who knows me, knows that I had a roux-en-y gastric bypass in 2011. Before I went into surgery, I had to lose weight so that they could get my liver out of the way to cut on my stomach for the procedure. I’m starting that diet today.

No Sugar Added Carnation Instant Breakfast (CIB) has all the nutrients and protein I need for a meal, if used for a short amount of time. Starting today, I will drink 6 glasses of CIB a day for two weeks. The week after, I willlower myself down to 4 glasses per day. Then, a week of 3 glasses per day. I call this my detox month. It will help me detox from all of the junk I have been eating, all of the candy, carbs, fat, calories, and fast food.

Next month, it will be time to start with one meal of solid, healthy, food a day with my two CIB shakes. The month after, two meals a day, with CIB for supper. On the third month, I will be fully on solid foods.

Exercise

During my detox period, I plan on working on my endurance. Currently, I get winded on my Gazelle after about five minutes. I can work with that. Five minutes a day for five days. On the sixth, I try and endurance test to see if I can up it to ten minutes. If I can increase once a week at five minute intervals of exercise, I can easily work my way up to thirty minutes a day. Thirty minutes of cardio is my goal.

Once I establish my cardio routine, it’s time to add in the hand weights for arm and shoulder strength training. My weights are 3 lbs, 6 lbs, and 8 lbs. Starting off with the three pounds, I hope to progress to the 8 pounds in a month. If I don’t make it, I’m going to do something I have never done before: I will continue building strength until I can, at the schedule my body sets, not the one I have in my head.

With the hand weights and my Gazelle routines established, I plan on incorporating yoga for 30 minutes a day, once a week, building up to three days a week, on top of my cardio and arm strenght training.

My Ultimate Goal

While I would love to get down to 150 lbs in a year, I am realistic. My hope, is by this time next year, I will have lost 50 pounds with this new plan. Each week, I will post my progress, interspersed with random thoughts and how I feel about the changes. Maybe if I put everything down in words, and make those words public, I can hold myself accountable and keep my discipline so I can finally achieve a healthy weight without another invasive and life-altering surgery.

Any help and cheering on is appreciated. Any advice on healthy meal plans and/or low-impact fitness training will get you squee’d at. Thank you for reading this far. My journey starts now.